Just Ed Things

Nothing sucks more for a creative than having the idea and not being able to pull from the mental abyss.

That’s the trap I feel like I’ve been in the last few months.

I love writing more than I have in a very long time, and I’m itching to “create” more than ever. Having ideas and not succeeding in getting them out there will do that.

But sometimes…well…oftentimes, it’s difficult to see them through. Which is the trap I find myself in now.

I thought maybe if I made a point to write more often, I’d force myself to get those ideas out.

I thought if I paid for a blog site and a URL, I’d force myself to get those ideas out.

I thought maybe if I cut down on my social media presence (something I want to make a goal to cut even more in 2026) and used my blog as my primary outlet for what’s on my mind (similar to the Xanga days of the mid 2000s that seeded my love of writing to begin with), I’d force myself to get those ideas out.

And as you can see from the last date I updated, I’m not exactly succeeding in that regard.

Ultimately, I feel like maybe I’m trying to use this outlet as a gallery of COMPLETED work. Stuff I want to take pride in. Stuff I’m confident WILL NOT fail. I hate to make it sound like I only want to do it for the attention, but there’s really no way to sugar-coat it that doesn’t come off that way. So I suppose that’s exactly what it is.

I remember watching a video awhile back that said when you create art, “that art is for you” and promised “that is enough”. And……I guess, in the process, that voice saying “this isn’t worth the effort”, “the juice isn’t worth the squeeze”, “nobody will like this”, just can’t be drowned out. Or at least, I’m having trouble doing so right now.

I want to find my lane and stick to it as well. Another obstacle I feel like I have is I constantly flip through the same cycle of ideas and don’t just lock in on one and stay there. I want to write creatively, I want to work on research topics, I want to do poetry, I want to stream, I want to record videos, etc. etc. etc. I won’t specifically name them here, but an ex-friend of mine had the same issue and I’d criticize him for always going through this loop of “Idea A → B → C → A → B →C” ad infinitum. But it dawns on me that in my own head, I’ve done the same thing. And, strike against me, at least he actually PRODUCED something. Where the hell is MY homework?

So maybe this blog needs to not be the gallery, but the lab. Maybe I just need to put fingers-to-keyboard-to-signal-to-pixels and let the fiber internet lowercase-g gods sort it out. I mean, it worked on Xanga.

I actually still have those posts saved somewhere. I’ve always been afraid to go back to those posts. The musings of an emo teen at a time where he felt he didn’t belong (which, in retrospect, was correct but not to the extent I thought) and tried to find whatever way he could to put it down on something. Yes, I’m sure with years of writing experience and a college education I’d find that shit awful now in the name of quality, but at least that version of me was doing something with his writing. Which is a little more than the adult with a writing degree and no portfolio can say, as brutal as that sounds.

So back to the lab again I suppose. And maybe we just throw things at the wall and prey that they stick. And if/when they don’t, we throw something else. And we do it in a lab with glass windows rather than a completely closed environment. Do things stick to glass better than…lab-wall material? Can I pretend the answer to that is yes?